When Realizations Hit You

This sucks, really. I don’t know whether I’m sad or got too excited or disappointed. At first, I thought, I was happy. That everything’s going well. I’ve been telling myself to just look at the bright side. There’s still tomorrow. But sitting here alone and thinking about all the things that happened to me for the past 16 and a half years, I realized why did I not do this instead? Why did I chose to go along in this path? And then, voices inside me keeps on yelling:

You should have done this.

You should have done this.

Alam ko, sabi nila, everything has a reason. Then, what’s the reason to all of this? Am I the only experiencing this things? Sadyang malas lang ba talaga ako? Sadyang hindi lang ba ako katulad ng iba? Bakit sila? Bakit pag ako tina-try kong gawin, hindi ko magawa, sobrang failure? Sometimes, I want to stop risking and just play safe but then if I do that, what will become of me? Baka hindi ko makilala yung sarili ko. Baka hindi ko ma-discover yung mga bagay na mage-excel ako. Pero bakit ganun, wala akong kahit anong bagay na nage-excel ako? Why am I so useless.

People keep on telling me that everyone’s unique. Everyone’s unique in their own ways. Well, I guess, not everyone. Because there’s nothing unique in/about me. I’m common. I’m just plain and boring girl. Nothing.

I keep on trying but I ended up failing or pinapalala ko pa yung gulo or yung situation. Or maybe, gumagawa lang ako ng bagong mess sa life ko. WHY?

And this ends up me asking, “Is there really HIM up there? Can he hear me? What must I do to please HIM?”

Bakit parang yung iba napagbibigyan. Nakukuha nila yung gusto nila. Bakit ako, laging one at a time. Sometimes, gusto ko ng tumigil sa pag-try kasi parang hindi ko na kayang makaranas ng failure. Sige, okay na ako eh, pero kapag alam kong may ibang masasaktan, I tend to just give up. When will this stop?

I’m getting really scared of what will happen tomorrow, next day, next week, next year. I’m scared of the future. Will it be another failure? Will I be the world’s biggest failure?

Parang gusto kong bumalik dun sa unang-una kong gusto: To build a time machine and go back to the past and undo everything.

When I was six or seven I researched all the components, chemicals, materials needed to build a time machine and when I reached the age of 12 I realized that time machines are fictional things and I got really upset and sad. And every time I fail, I wish I had never known that a time machine is just an imaginative creation but then if that’s the case I’m gonna be stuck in fantasies and would never know the real world. The real case of the real world.

Ngayon ko gustong humingi ng miracle from HIM. Ngayon ko gustong maramdaman that he’s there.

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